It’s okay to QUIT…and Start Over. | Rutele

“Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married, or own a house as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks you if you are happy.”

– Heath Ledger

As I sit in a silent and dark cubicle, I, yet again, type out a resignation letter…yes, my second one in less than a year.

As I get ready to hit send guilt and anxiety take over, just like it has every time I thought about making this decision, again.

The past four or even five years of my life have happened so quickly and with that speed came the wind that I must say knocked me down to the ground.

I come from a very Eastern European family which means strict parents, high expectations and always following the rules. It was the type of household where you never had to be told what to do, you just knew you had to do it and you did it. I knew I had to go to school, get good grades, graduate, move on to college, get good grades, graduate, get a good job, get married, buy property and have babies. Mind you, all of that was to be achieved at a fairly early age.

I always knew that I wanted to please my parents and that mentality became even more concentrated when my whole family uprooted and left for the United States. Something about my parents completely sacrificing everything they loved including their home, family and friends made me realize how much they cared and how much they wanted my sister and I to succeed. This in turn made me think well maybe they know better than me on what I want and need so from there on out my dreams revolved around finishing school and getting a “real job”.

For a very long time I  saw no problems with following the rules and the path set up by my parents because I didn’t know any better. I graduated early,  I nailed a job immediately, I was in love with who I thought was the man of my dreams, I had moved out…it really seemed like everything was moving in the direction of success.

That, I must say, didn’t last very long and I ended up running into a brick wall face first. After my break up, I started analyzing my life from all aspects. I was no longer in a loving relationship. Fail. I moved back in with my parents at the age of 23 because I couldn’t afford to live on my own based on my salary. Fail. I had anxiety every morning when I woke up because I did not love what I do. Fail. I stared at a computer most of the day without any outside communication. Fail. I was not improving anyone’s lives. Fail. I was draining my soul. Fail. I stopped evolving. Fail. I had no room to actually get promoted. Fail.

When I actually considered most of these things I realized that following this path was no longer for me. I felt relief to have officially come to that conclusion, but I also felt so much fear. What will I do now? How will I move on? Will I actually have the guts to do something about this?

After months of going back and forth in my own head and slipping further into a slump I put in my resignation. As I hit send my anxiety quickly turned into relief. It’s really unbelievable how much happier and lighter I instantly felt.

I shortly left for Asia and spent about two months there. I needed to find myself. Through all of the trials and tribulations I lost myself. I lost the spunk, I lost the spark and the lust for life. The mundane beat of my days drowned me and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I was single, jobless and dreamless. I needed desperately to be pushed to evolve and that is exactly what I got. I laughed, I cried, I struggled, I thrived, I discovered and I recovered.

I don’t want to say I felt reborn because that is beyond cliche but I came back alive.

After coming back to the states my happiness carried me for months and I continued to thrive. I was full of creativity and drive but I noticed myself slipping back into the old normalcy. The same people, the same mistakes, the same type of job. It has been a never ending cycle for almost 5 years now and it has taken me this long to realize that it will never end, unless I do something about it.

This is where my second resignation comes into play, which I submitted just minutes ago. I have been working at another dead end job with no room for growth and no push to evolve.

I am the type of human that values intelligence and I thrive off of continuous growth. In the past 6 months I have worked at a job that required absolutely no brain power. Which on one hand isn’t the worst but it also did not pay enough money which means I was forced to pick up side jobs which equals out to working 60-80 hour weeks with no extra time to evolve and broaden my horizons on my own. Drained, beaten down, tired, frazzled…nope none of those words explain my situation in this moment in time.

I refuse to let myself be another robot in this vicious cycle that has become the norm. I have worked way too hard my whole life to end up just like so many individuals living a meaningless life.

Now I am in no way shape or form saying that an office job will always be meaningless. It doesn’t have to be. Many people find their desk jobs to be satisfactory and enlightening on a daily basis but I have yet to see that with my own two eyes. I am not sure if that is because I require so much brain stimulation or because I thrive off of passion.

Moral of this long and wordy post is this….

This life is too short to feel like you are suffocated. This life is too beautiful to be wasted doing something that brings you no joy. I have learned that on two separate occasions. That will suck your soul dry.

Really for the first time in my life I am completely unattached and I plan on using that to my advantage. I don’t have a job, a boyfriend or toxic friends holding me back. I can go where I want to and be who I want to.

I can start over. 

The difference between now and the last time I quit my job is the fear factor. I left and came back when I felt like I had it in me to keep doing the same ole bullshit and now I know that this is not within me.

This time around I know I need to break the cycle, not just put it on hold. I know I need to leave this black hole for my own sanity.

I deserve more and I will reach for more. 

With every step towards this direction I am feeling more alive, more free, more hopeful and like there is so much more out there for me.

Reaching a final destination will take time, commitment and setbacks (many setbacks) but just knowing that I am on my way and I will not give up until I find my happy place within this madness we call life is a huge deal, especially because I have never strayed from “the path”.

What I hope is for everyone who is struggling to know that its normal to be lost, to be unhappy, to be beaten down. It’s normal to give up. It’s normal to quit. It’s normal to reinvent yourself.  The important part of this whole journey is to look past the bullshit and to take all of those pieces laying around with no meaning and to start rearranging them.

May you heal, may you move on, may you find your place and your true happiness.

 

XOXO, Rutele.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What It’s Like to Suffocate

 

“It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply.”

-David Jones

I want to be raw, I want to be authentic and I want to be real.

I have wanted to open up for a long time but there is always something stopping me. Whether its the thought in my own head that I will be considered weak, that I will be looked at as seeking attention, that I am trying to bash someone or just me not being able to put my jumbled thoughts and feelings into words. There are a lot of things that have stopped me but I think its time to share my experience.

They always say “misery loves company” so if my words and experiences can help someone heal, or even help someone feel less alone, I think its worth any consequence coming my way.

I fell in love with what I thought was the man of my dreams when I was just 19. He was funny, brilliantly smart, edgy, passionate, and fascinating. Someone who really wanted to defy the odds and raise a middle finger to the social norms. A man I would never be allowed to date by my parents standards and maybe thats what drew me to him. The beginning was a whirlwind of feelings and within months I was in way too deep to look back. When you’re in love, especially for the first time, its hard to see clearly. Everything is so hazy and you can’t decide what is right vs wrong. You miss the red flags, you excuse all bad behavior, you look the other way. You convince yourself that things will get better, that he will change, that he will love you as you love him one day soon.

There were numerous events that should have made me walk away but I stayed. I loved him and I was determined to work things out but things continued to get worse and worse.

I had known for a very, very long time that this relationship was toxic. There was no doubt about that, but it only really hit home when I was sorting through my broken pieces after it was all over and I was left there, alone, to decipher what had happened throughout the three years.

For three long years I held my breath, I was too afraid to stand up for myself and I let him walk all over me. He tore me away from my friends, he killed my self esteem, and he broke my spirit. Every fight we had, he had a tricky way of making me feel bad about what is happening and I ended up being the bad person.

I think there is nothing worse than feeling empty, lonely and mentally abused in a relationship that had every opportunity to always be filled with love and compassion. For a long time I felt not good enough and his actions always proved that theory right.

It’s really hard to explain what suffocating feels like, it’s almost like the worst episode of anxiety that you can imagine, but feeling it every day. Even now thinking back to all of this, months later, I feel myself running out of breath, thinking how I could let that go on for so long. I mean it wasn’t always like this. We shared so many beautiful moments, so much laughter and happy days. We really did at one point love each other but at some point it turned, and it turned quick. He had bigger demons to fight but during it all I was dragged down by them too.

I honestly am not trying to make him seem like a bad person, because he’s not and most of the things he did, were not done intentionally to hurt me. To this day I love him and will always care about him but I think its just the fact that he was very, very selfish. He was living for himself and not for us, which in the end is really what killed us.

It’s quite interesting to have something shatter when you aren’t quite ready for it to end, no matter how stressful and heartbreaking it was to stay in it. That last half of a year we were together, I cried a couple times a week and it was starting to feel like normalcy to me…don’t ever think that is okay… The night that everything went down, when I found all evidence to my worst nightmare, I can honestly say I felt suffocated, more than usual. I felt like my heart fell out of my body and I was in actual physical pain. I couldn’t breathe, talk or even move. Paralyzed I sat there, staring at the words as the tears flooded my face. Even thinking about it now completely takes me back to that moment in time.

NO ONE DESERVES THAT.

There are so many women in abusive relationships. Whether it is physical or verbal, both are traumatizing.

I personally know how extremely hard it is to break the cycle, to get out, to feel like you will never be loved again or to feel like you will never be able to love again, BUT it is POSSIBLE.

More often than not, you love the person more than you love yourself and you will do anything to help them get out of the dark hole while in the meantime you are being broken down into nothing but scars, anxiety, self loathing and loneliness.

But sometimes you have to do what is best for you. It will never be a fairy tale or the perfect love story. You cannot save them. They can only save themselves. It will continue happening till you are left with nothing.

Leave it while you can. Leave it while there is something left of you. You can do it. You deserve unconditional love, safety, respect, and warmth.

You know people continuously walk in and out of your life and each one really teaches you something. Whether its how to be patient, how to be carefree, how to make decisions on a whim, how to make bad decisions, how to apologize, how to be crazy, how to be selfish, how to put yourself first, how to be selfless, how to care, how to love, how to hate, how to heal, how to be a good friend, how to give up, how to rise above, how to be the greatest version of yourself or how to be the worst version of yourself. As bad or as good as some of the things you learn may be, they all shape you. They all make you, YOU.

Be gentle, be kind, be loving, be selfless and most importantly grow and reinvent yourself. Don’t ever become the victim and use your experiences as a jumping board into greatness.

XOXO, Rutele.

How Yoga Has Changed My Life | Rutele

For years I was always too afraid to practice yoga.

“Your life is a sacred journey. It is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.”

~CarolineAdams

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If you scroll on Yogi pages on Instagram or FaceBook or anywhere on the internet, they all look very advanced and intimidating. I always had this silly feeling that they would show you up in classes and make you look like a fool because you can’t do what they can do. I also didn’t think I was strong enough and I have always struggled with balance. I literally can’t even walk in a straight line lol so that always deterred me as well.

After my last break up, I felt like I needed to start doing something for myself. I wanted some kind of healthy escape from my thoughts and my feelings. Working out and running have always sufficed but when it came to this, it just wasn’t enough. I wanted to break free from the torture of my mind and I thought, you know maybe this is the right time to really push myself. I am not quite sure how I narrowed it down to yoga, but to be honest it has been my golden ticket.

Without even noticing, Yoga has drastically improved not just my mental health but also my physical health.

My mind is ALWAYS going a million different directions and I am the biggest over thinker. I will literally make something that means nothing into a huge deal and always think of the worst scenario because for some reason my brain is just inclined to do that. Every session that I attend frees me from the chains of my thoughts. For at least that hour I am completely focusing on my body and what it needs, instead of thinking about everything that is happening around me or my personal life. That alone is enough for me to say that Yoga has drastically changed my life.

Besides the mental benefit, my body is stronger, I have more balance and I have toned up drastically. Just a session a week over the course of a few months has helped me get into better shape. If anyone tells you that Yoga is easy and is only for females, they are literally the most uneducated and biased person ever (you should probably not talk to them lol). It always dumbfounds me to see how huge the attending ratio between women and men is. Every class that I have been to only has a couple of guys in it. Ya’ll are missing out!

Here is a list of other ways that Yoga can improve your life:

  • Increases Patience
  • Increases Endurance
  • Increases Concentration
  • Helps Flexibility
  • Betters Posture
  • Increases Blood Flow
  • Relaxes your System
  • Increases Self Esteem

I am no where near how advanced I would like to be one day and there is always so much room for improvement but I am moving towards the right direction. Yoga is not a trend, yoga is a way to better your life for the better in so many ways and if I regret anything in my life it is how I have let fear control my life, especially in the aspect of starting my yoga practice.

It is never too late to start.

 

XOXO, Rutele.